The Biggest Bash In The Universe (Transcript)

Pralene This is it! The aliens are attacking! I told you so!

Erwin Stop it, Pralene. It's too early. It's just a little music, it's nothing to get all worked up about. (Erwin opens the door to his bedroom and loud music blasts out.)

Erwin I'll handle this.

Pralene No! Don't go in there! You'll never come out alive!

(Erwin turns off the music).

Jamie Hey!

Erwin What do you think you're doing? No, Jamie, tell me what's going on here.

Jamie It's just... a party. In fact, if you could leave now, that'd be great.

Erwin (Reading a card) ''Dear Jamie. You're invited to my party. Signed: Jamie. That's nice''. You have a party and don't invite me?

Jamie Are you crazy? You can't throw a monofest for two.

Erwin A monofest? What in the world is that?

Jamie It's a party. Just for me! You Earthlings don't do that?

Erwin Well, no, we like to invite. That's the idea.

Jamie And how to you manage to share a monodrink, a monotoast, and a monodessert?

Erwin Well - we make more than one.

Jamie Hey... that's a great idea!

(Title card comes on)

Erwin Uhh... what are you doing?

Jamie I'm inviting all my Spacebook friends.

Erwin You're friends...? Here? But they can't come over!

Jamie Well of course they can. They have super flying saucers. In fact, they're already on their way! It's gonna be cool! The Earth's gonna become super trendy. Uh, we're expecting ten... eleven, a hundred and fifty, four thousand... seven... eight million!

Erwin (screams) Huh? Um... how many?

Erwin Okay, even if we can't cancel your party because you're afraid of what your Spacebook friends will say, there's no way we're hosting it here!

Jamie Why not?

Erwin Because our house is too small for eight million guests. Use your head for once! And if my parents see a whole bunch of aliens show up, they'll start to wonder about you too!

Jamie Alright, let's use the municipal reception hall. That's large enough.

Erwin And if the mayor meets your friends, he'll inform the president! The police! The army! The fire department! And zip! Everyone gets carted off to Area 51!

Pralene (Listening through the door) Hmm?

Jamie And what if we rented out the barn next door? That'll be more discreet!

Erwin Hmm... it would be a squeeze, but... okay! It's a deal!

Erwin We should still ask the farmer if it's okay with him.

Pralene Daddy! Daddy! Millions of aliens are coming to Earth!

Mr Walsh (Looking through his telescope) Oh, I wish Pralene. Hmm? Well I'll be! Something enormous is headed our way!

Pralene It's an invasion! They've come to destroy us! It's Jamie! He invited them!

Mr Walsh It looks like there are millions! At last! Get dressed, Pralene. We must prepare a proper welcome for them. Sweetheart? Get ready! Millions of aliens are coming!

Pralene (Looks through the telescope and sees heaps of flying saucers) Aaah!

Eye-Contact The biggest bash in the universe?

General Vlok (On the phone with Eye-Contact) It's the event everyone is talking about. You don't know about it. And we're not even invited! You're the sorriest secret agents in the entire galaxy!

Eye-Contact Oh, the entire galaxy, that's a bit harsh!

General Vlok Just get yourselves invited. That shouldn't be too difficult! The party's at your place!

Eye-Contact Our place?

(Someone knocks on the door, and Eye-Contact and Gratchett rush into their disguises)

Jamie Hello.

Erwin Hi there!

Gratchett (rushes towards Jamie like a bull)

Eye-Contact Calm down, Margaret.

Erwin We're your next-door neighbours. We're organising a little party with some friends.

Jamie Eight million- (Erwin covers Jamie's mouth)

Erwin There'll be a bit of a crowd, and, so we were wondering if we could use your barn.

Eye-Contact Use our barn? Of course! I can even provide the music. I'm not only a farmer but I also happen to be a DJ!

Erwin Super! That was easy!

Eye-Contact Aren't I a genius Gratchett? Thanks to me, tonight, we'll finally get a chance to capture Jamie!

Gratchett That chance was perfect, too. Why didn't you let me grab him?

Eye-Contact Uh... yes, but no. Tonight will be much better!

Gratchett If you say so.

Erwin Eight million guests. This is gonna be hard to handle. We need to prepare the room, the food, hire some security guards, and then there's the party. Were are gonna put all their bits?

Jamie It's all a question of organisation. First, we need to make a sign. (Jamie starts cutting out wheat from a wheat field)

Erwin What are you doing?

Jamie They need to see the sign from the sky!

Erwin Oh, come on, now. Everyone knows that crop circles are made by humans! And that they use all kinds of fancy machinery to make them!

Erwin And what about the buffet?

Jamie Good idea. Raw meat pies for the Carnivoraks, that way they won't eat us, and flombate pies for the Pyrolisers from Flire. That way they won't burn the place down.

Erwin You're joking, right? Please tell me you're pulling my leg, huh? We can't entertain such dangerous aliens!

Jamie What do you mean? Just because their customs are different from yours you don't want to invite them over? Parties are for everyone. The good guys, and the bad guys too. Carnivores, vampires, even radioactive aliens! There'll be no discrimination at my party.

Erwin Huh? *sigh*

Mr Walsh Just incredible. There are millions of them. And they're heading right for our house! Which language do they speak? How should I dress? What should I say to them?

Pralene Daddy! Daddy! It's even worse than I thought! Jamie's friends are vampires, carnivores and radioactive! And all he wants to do is ask Mommy to make pies for them!

Mr Walsh Pies? What an excellent idea! Honey! Could you make some pies for tonight?

Mrs Walsh Of course, darling. How many?

Mr Walsh Eight million!

Mrs Walsh I see. I'd better get started right away!

Gratchett Are you sure, Lieutenant?

Eye-Contact This gown is infinitely too stylish for you to appreciate its beauty, Sargeant.

Gratchett And what about me?

Eye-Contact You? You... just put this on your head. It's very festive too. Tonight, when the party is in full swing, I'll put on this music, composed by the best Vlok scientist to hypnotise our enemies. When everyone is fast asleep, we'll just grab Jamie and send him up to Vlok High Command in a zip-lock bag. That'll help them forget he wasn't invited. What do you think, Sargeant Gratchett? (Gratchett is hypnotised by the music) Gratchett? I thought you'd been immunised. Fancy that. Gratchett. You just adore my dress. You think I'm very chic. (Eye-Contact turns off the music)

Gratchett Uh, wow! That's some dress, Lieutenant!

Eye-Contact Isn't it, though?

Erwin There won't be enough room for them in the barn. Jamie, you have to call it off.

Jamie It's too late! They'll be here in an hour. All we need now is the pies for the buffet. And I'm sure we can count on your mom.

Erwin *sigh*

Pralene I swear Mom, those aliens are vampires, carnivores, and radioactive! Someone's gotta do something!

Mrs Walsh Yes, sweetheart, you're adorable. But Mommy's busy now. Go and play in your room instead.

Pralene (grumbles as she goes to her room, and Erwin and Jamie look at her confused)

Mrs Walsh I just finished my fourth pie! Have a look!

Jamie Erwin - we need to talk!

Erwin What's the matter now?

Jamie It's your mom's pies! The way they're decorated. They look like Pottattars! And if Pottattars see us eating someting that looks like them, they'll get angry!

Erwin And are they - dangerous?

Jamie When they're upset, they change into black holes! That's why I preferred not to tell you about them.

Erwin Jamie, I'm begging you, we've got to call it off!

Jamie This time I think you're right.

Mr Walsh I can see them! Here they come!

Erwin Oh, no! It's too late!

Jamie There's only one thing we can do. Make sure this party's a success.

(Vlok national anthem plays and Gratchett takes the CD out)

Eye-Contact Put that music back on at once Sargeant!

Gratchett But It makes my head hurt, Lieutenant!

Eye-Contact I don't care! We can't have a party without the Vlok national anthem. It would be an insult to our beloved General who composed it!

Gratchett I'm sorry Lieutenant, but that's just not possible.

Eye-Contact You dare defy me, Sargeant? (Puts on the hypnotising music) Do you? Do you?

Gratchett I want to hear the Vlok anthem! I love it! (Puts the Vlok anthem back on)

Eye-Contact Yes, it is truly deeply moving, isn't it?

(Door opens)

Eye-Contact Oh? Who could that be?

Jamie Ugh... that music, I... I don't know why, but it just wilts my tentacles! We can't play that! It'll drive everyone away!

Erwin Well... maybe that's a good thing. Uh, Mr Farmer-DJ? Could you possibly play that delightful music a tad louder?

Eye-Contact (To Gratchett) There, you see? Not everyone dislikes this music. (To Erwin) You have very good taste, young man.

Erwin No, not a little louder, full blast!

(Flying saucers all leave)

Mr Walsh No! Come baaaack! Oh, I ruined it.

Erwin Good work, dad! You managed to repel a hoard of hostile alien invaders all by yourself!

Mr Walsh Hostile?

Jamie Yeah! You're a hero, Mr Walsh!

Mr Walsh A hero? Me? Ahh, imagine that!

Pralene Were did the radioactive aliens go?

Mr Walsh You knew all along, didn't you? You should have said something. Oh, well.

Mrs Walsh Hone, I managed to bake eight pies. One per million's enough, don't you think?

Erwin It'll sure be enough for us. It's gonna be pie and more pie forever.

Eye-Contact You'll be sure to tell the General you're the one who sabotaged the operation as usual.

Gratchett Me? But it was you and your stupid anthem!

Eye-Contact Never speak ill of the anthem. I forbid you.

Gratchett I'll say what I want. That anthem just does not moove me.