The Night of the Shooting Stars (Transcript)

Jamie Blarb Woah, too cool! Come and see Erwin!

Erwin Walsh Jamie, I-

Jamie Oh no wait, can you move over?

Erwin Jeez, thanks a lot.

Jamie There, that's better.

Erwin I already told you, turn on the T.V. when you're watching it.

Jamie I'd rather watch it this way.

Mr Walsh Ooh, with this telescope we'll have a front row seat! Hey! You're not gonna watch T.V. when it's the night of the shooting stars, are you?

Jamie *gasp* It's tonight? I completely forgot! Sure can't miss that. Come on! Let's go!

Erwin Ahh, go into the garden if you want. I'll just look out the window.

Jamie Into the garden? No way! We gotta go into space! It's the big space race tonight!

Erwin Uhhh...

Mr and Mrs Walsh *laughter*

Mr Walsh Don't make that face, Erwin.

Mr and Mrs Walsh Can't you see that Jamie is just pulling your leg?

Erwin If only he was.

(Title card plays)

Erwin Jamie, if you're on Earth, people give themselves a stiff neck looking up at the sky. And they make stupid wishes when they see a shooting star. The hardcore watchers, like my father, look at comets through a telescope. But nobody goes out into space!

Jamie But you're gonna miss the best thing ever! The Big Bear-500 is like, a huge playground with twinkling lights all over the place.

Erwin You mean, like a... carnival? With all those gawdy neon lights and rides that make you-

Jamie Oh no no no no no, nothing like that. It's an enormous race with loops and rolls! Right smack in the middle of a meteorite field! You either pass, or you crash!

Jamie You see that shooting star right there? Well in fact, it's not really a shooting star. It's my cousin!

(explosion)

Jamie Ahh, was my cousin.

Erwin *gasp*

Jamie Hey, now we're sure there's an available contestant place! You up for it?

Erwin Not on your life!

Sargeant Gratchett Lieutenant! The target wants to go to the Big Bear-500. What are we gonna do?

Lieutenant Eye-Contact What do you want us to do? We can't forbid him to go, we aren't his parents.

Gratchett We could hack into the flight control system on his flying saucer, and lead him straight to the Vloks without him realising it!

Eye-Contact Sargeant, you have one good idea per year, and of course it has to form just when I happen to be reading The Art of Knitting. Just my luck.

Eye-Contact To begin, hide the reception antenna under the control panel.

Gratchett Done, Lieutenant!

Eye-Contact And finish by plugging in the cord to the big red button.

Sargeant You think with the big green button it will work to? Because I don't see no red button.

Eye-Contact Ohhh, great.

Jamie Erwin, if you come with me, I'm sure we can win this race. Don't you wanna be champion of the Big Bear-500? Wow, talk about a classy title.

Erwin Uhh...

Jamie Come on! I even have a reserve of air-sick bags, in case you get space-sick in the flying saucer.

Erwin I'm always space-sick in flying saucers, Jamie. No means no!

Jamie Aahhh, then let's go!

Erwin *gasp*

Eye-Contact And this button here isn't red, maybe?

Gratchett I don't know.

Eye-Contact What are you talking about? You see perfectly well it's red.

Gratchett That's what you say. But we cows, we can't see the colour red.

Eye-Contact Eee! Oh, then why didn't you say so from the start?

Gratchett Didn't cross my mind.

Eye-Contact Let me do it!

Gratchett Lieutenant! There's Jamie!

Eye-Contact *gasp* Quick!

Gratchett Woo-oo- ooh!

Eye-Contact Oh, give me the remote control so we can get this over with.

Jamie Ahaha!

Gratchett Hey, why should you be the one in charge, anyway?

Eye-Contact Don't be stupid Sargeant, who else do you think it should be?

Gratchett Well, me!

Eye-Contact You? Are you joking? It's far too complicated for you. Give me that,-

Gratchett Woah woah woah-

Eye-Contact Give it to me-

(remote control splashes into the swamp)

(flying saucer starts up)

Erwin Jamie, what am I doing here?

Jamie Oh, stop it, I got the message.

Erwin The message? What message?

Jamie Well, your finger up your nose.

Erwin Uh?

Jamie On Blarb, when we stick a tentacle up our nose, it means that we mean the contrary of what we say. Seeing as you were saying you didn't want to go...

Erwin Jamie, on Planet Earth, when we stick a finger up our nose it only means we want to get a booger out of our nose!

Jamie You really didn't want to come?

Erwin You're right!

Jamie Well you should have jsut said so, because the start of the race is in just five minutes!

Erwin Mmmm.

Jamie Okay, since you absolutely wanna go back, I'll eject you from the saucer with a space-parachute.

Erwin Mmm?

Jamie We're only nine thousand, seven hundred and sixty kilometres from Earth. You could still make it.

Erwin No, no! Stop! It's fine! I'll stay!

Jamie Eehee.

Remote Control Technical Assistant Remote Control Techincal Assistance, how may I help you?

Eye-Contact Mmm, yes. I have a small problem. My... assistant has lost the remote control to the flying saucer we had hacked.

RCTA Ah, that's easy. You need to use the emergency remote control which will be delivered immediately.

Gratchett Hmm?

Eye-Contact Hmm?

RCTA Technical Assistance wishes you happy hacking!

Eye-Contact Yes but (phone beeps) wait!

Gratchett Well?

Eye-Contact Well, this is it.

Eye-Contact You do the honours. After all, like you said, why should it always be me in charge?

Gratchett Oh boy.

Race Announcer Callin' all contestants to the starting line!

Erwin I didn't even say goodbye to my comic books! Or my parents!

Jamie Here. And try not to vomit on the windshield. It will make it too hard to pilot. You ready?

Erwin Ugh, no!

(flying saucers start)

Erwin Huh, oh! ..... Rrrr! ..... Rrrrrrr! ..... Ughhhh! ..... Ugh, huh. Eee!

Gratchett So this here, or this one here? Or maybe this one?

Eye-Contact (hums) How's everything coming along?

Gratchett Errrr... aaah, ooooh...

Computer Magnetic shield de-activated.

Jamie Now that's what I call taking initiative, Erwin! That's the Big Bear-500 spirit! If I had known that you'd mastered the exhilery controls of a flying saucer!

(beep, beep, beep beep, beep-beep-beep)

Computer ''Frames de-activated. Maximum speed engage.''

Jamie Golly gee, Erwin! Seriously, maximum speed?

Erwin Mmb, mmb...

(nearby flying saucer explodes)

Jamie Haha!

Erwin Uh, uhh... aaah!

(other flying saucer explodes)

Jamie Wow, hi five, Erwin! Don't tell me you've fallen asleep during the best part of the race. Erwin? Erwin!

Erwin Waaaaah!

(Bang!)

Jamie Woooaah!

(Bang!)

Jamie It's not your fault, Erwin. You were a super co-pilot. But what impresses me the most is that you didn't even get sick!

Erwin I didn't have time to. Isn't it getting kinda hot in here?

Jamie That's normal. We're right next to the Sun.

Erwin But I didn't put on any sunscreen! I'm gonna get burnt to a crisp!

Jamie Okay, then let's get back to the house. Anyway, we're out of the race. Hmm? The controls aren't responding.

Erwin But surely you know a repair mechanic somewhere around here! This is your neck of the woods!

Vlok General Vlok! We found Jamie. He was in the Big Bear-500!

General Vlok And you captured him?

Vlok Negative! We ejected him from the race. He was in the lead!

General Vlok What? Then you'll find him and bring him back to me immediately, you incompetent fools!

Vlok But Commander, it's just that - we're in the lead!

General Vlok Nyaaar!

Vlok Okay! We're going.

Jamie (slurp)

Erwin Jamie!

Jamie Hmm?

Erwin What do you think you're doing?

Jamie (slurpy licking sounds) Blarb saliva is a super sunscreen! Very hydrating. And anti-radiation.

Erwin Ew! Ugh! Uh-uh! Thanks a lot. Please tell me you don't count on staying out there long. Because I'm starting to melt on this miserable rock of a planet in the middle of nowhere! It's about time you found a solution to get us outta here! Ooh!

Jamie Alright, Erwin. I'll just engage the auto-pilot function. That might work.

(beep)

Gratchett The saucer has started back up again, Lieutenant!