Be Nice To Cows! (Transcript)

Erwin Walsh Huh? *silent laughter*

Jamie Blarb Hmm? Erwin! Did you know that our two species are cousins? I just learnt that in the History of the Universe! My mom recorded it for me.

Erwin Jamie, we can't be cousins. You are an extraterrestrial octopus and I am a human.

Jamie Yeah, so what?

Erwin Well, it's just not possible.

Erwin We're friends! That's a heck of a lot better. And hey! Being an octopus isn't so bad. Imagine if you were a cow!

Jamie What's wrong with being a cow?!

Erwin (nervously) What? What did I say?

Jamie Do you have something against cows?

Erwin But what are you talking about? *gulp*

Jamie Lesson number one. The first animal in the cosmic evolution, the common ancestor of all the species in the universe, is... the cow!

Erwin Hmm?

(title card comes on)

Erwin Jamie, humans descend from monkeys. We have absolutely nothing in common with cows.

Jamie Are you kidding? You're both mammals! Like cows, you have four limbs, like cows you sleep. Like cows, you speak. Like-

Erwin Cows don't speak!

Jamie Their language is just a little less evolved, that's all.

Erwin *sigh* Okay. Let's suppose that's true. But your Blarbs have nothing at all in common with cows.

Jamie We still have one thing that remains from the period back when we were cows. Our tentacles!

Erwin I don't see what they have to do with cows.

Jamie Octopuses descend from cows, too! And I'll prove it.

Sargeant Gratchett Oh! Lieutenant! The target's looking for a cow!

Lieutenant Eye-Contact Very well, Sargeant. You shall serve as bait. With a bit of luck, we might just succeed in finally capturing Jamie! Do you still know how to be a cow?

Gratchett Uh... moo?

Eye-Contact Perfect, Sargeant! Don't change a thing!