Jamie Where's Granny? (Transcript)

Erwin Walsh Jamie, Jamie! This is great! Granny's coming to see us! You'll just adore her. She's so funny!

Granny Good morning, children! Oh, I just had a bowl of fresh air!

Mr Walsh Welcome here, Granny!

Erwin *laughter*

Granny Well I'll be! You didn't tell me about this new one, now, did you?

Erwin Uh, this is Jamie, my foreign pen pal. He lives with us now.

Pralene Walsh Truth is, he's an alien, Granny. He even has tentacles! And he eats with his ears!

Granny *laughter* What an imagination! *laughter*

Mr Walsh *laughter*

Mrs Walsh *laughter*

Jamie Blarb If no-one had told me you were Mrs Walsh's mother, *kisses her hand* I would have taken you for her sister.

Granny Oh, he seems nice!

Jamie Not as nice as you, ma'am.

Granny Oh, call me Joanne. Where did you say you were from again?

Jamie From Blarb!

Granny I just knew it. Anyone can see you're not from around here.

Jamie You wanna see my flying saucer?

Granny *laughter*

Erwin Hey, he just stole my granny.

Pralene I bet he's gonna eat her.

Erwin So, you're not with Granny?

Jamie Well no, I ditched her in the forest. So she's gone.

Erwin You did what?

(Title card plays)

Jamie It's a Blarb traditon. It's a sign of respect.

Erwin You're kidding, right? Is it a joke?

Jamie Well, no. It's what we do. If they find their way home, they earn our respect. In fact, I can't wait to tell Dad. He's gonna be so proud of me.

Erwin Are you out of your mind? You can't leave old folks out in the forest.

Jamie Well yeah, of course you can. You just have to run fast. Hey, I'll have you know, normally I would have shoved her off the edge of the planet. Yeah, Dad? I ditched Granny. For some reason nobody's happy about it. I'll call you back.

Sargeant Gratchett Oh boy oh boy, that's no way to treat a granny.

Lieutenat Eye-Contact It may not be very nice, but it's good for us, Sargeant.

Gratchett How is that?

Eye-Contact Jamie and Erwin will go to the forest to find Granny. But the granny they find will not be the real Granny but someone else.

Gratchett Oh, yeah? Moo... who is it, then?

Eye-Contact You, Sargeant!

Gratchett Hmm? Me?

Jamie Oh, okay, we'll go look for her. You coming?

Erwin Uh, you mean you and me are going out into the... forest?

Jamie Well, yeah. Because the forest is where I lost her. If I had lost her in a supermarket we'd go search for her in the supermarket.

Erwin But, uh, the forest is...

Jamie Full of trees.

Erwin And full of prickly stuff, and creepy critters! And spooky noises! And branches that look like skeletons!

Jamie Yeah, it's called the forest.

Erwin Listen. You... you go, and me, I'll stay here and pray. Okay?

Gratchett Hold it, Lieutenant! If Jamie finds the real Granny before we do, our plan is a bust!

Eye-Contact So we better find the real Granny first!

Gratchett Well yeah, but if we wanna find her we need to know where he lost her.

Eye-Contact Well then let's capture Jamie and make him talk. Then, we'll release him, go back into the forest and find Granny. You'll take her place, and Jamie will come back, and we'll capture him! Hahaha! And victory will finally be ours!

Gratchett Oh yeah, haha, ain't we intelligent? Hmm-hmm, now what was that first bit again?

Erwin Ugh, huh, ugh, my poor granny. All alone in a hostile world.

Jamie I wonder if we're not getting all worked up for nothing. Think about it. The sweet songs of the birds, the cute little bunnies, the smell of wild mushrooms. A walk in the woods never hurt anybody.

Erwin You have a point. And it sure is a change from the greenhouse gases Granny breathes in all the time.

Jamie The forest is pure and super ecological.

Erwin The forest is like... one of those spas. Without the mudbaths and the seaweed.

Jamie And who just loves a day at the spa?

Erwin and Jamie Grannies!

Erwin We shouldn't really get all worked up for nothing.

Jamie Yeah, and deprive your grandma of a day at the spa!

Erwin What were we thinking?

Erwin Na... we can't really leave her out like that, can we?

Jamie But I have to admit, nice try with the whole spa thing.

Eye-Contact *sigh*

Pralene Granny? You want to play mini ponies with me? Please?

Gratchett Mmm... uh...

Eye-Contact What is he doing?

Erwin Alright. Do you remember where you lost Granny exactly?

Jamie If I could remember that we would have found her ages ago.

Erwin Mmm... I know! Let's re-enact the scene right before Granny disappeared. Then it'll... come back to you. Sometimes just a little detail is enough.

Erwin So let's see. You arrived from over there, you were chatting, what were you discussing?

Jamie Uh... well... I don't know. We should start from the beginning.

Jamie No. Before that.

Erwin Good morning, children. I just had a bowl of fresh air. So?

Jamie A little before that.

Erwin You'll just adoreher. She's so funny.

Jamie Go back some more.

Jamie Hello, Earthling. I've come from Blarb. My name is Jamie, prince of Blarb, fleeing the-

Erwin No, no no no no no no no no, stop it. This will never work. If we go on like this, we'll go back to the Big Bang before we find Granny.

Jamie This time we have no choice. It's back to the forest.

Erwin Okay. Wait! First I need to warn my parents that we're going on a dangerous expedition!

Jamie *sigh* Alright.

Pralene This one's Mister Pom Pom. Mister Pom Pom loves getting his mane brushed. And Strawberry Boy loves getting scratched behind the ears.

Eye-Contact Come back here, Sargeant. The target is heading to the forest!

Gratchett Oh, it's the Lieutenant. Yoohoo, Lieutenant!

Pralene What a strange voice you have, Granny. And... what a big udder you have.

Gratchett Uh... all the better to make you laugh, my dear! *laughter*

Pralene And I have plenty of other ponies!

Eye-Contact Do you plan on leaving today or tomorrow?!

Gratchett Moo, what's the big rush?

Pralene Granny?

Eye-Contact Let's go, Sargeant! Our mission can't wait!

Gratchett No.

Eye-Contact What do mean no?

Gratchett I don't want to go.

Eye-Contact Huh? Is this mutiny?

Gratchett I want to be a grandma like all the others! Play with my grandchildren, fall asleep in front of the T.V., cheat at playing bridge, wake up early in the morning, pay for my groceries with coupons, make preserves, and tell stories about how things used to be better in the old days, forgetting that I already told them a thousand times. And I want a mini pink pony!

Eye-Contact Ohh, why me?

Mrs Walsh A camping trip? The two of you?

Erwin Well, yeah, for the nature, and ecology, and all that!

Mr Walsh What an excellent idea! Your mother could accompany them, darling!

Mrs Walsh My mother? I haven't seen her around for a while. She must have gone shopping.

Erwin 'Kay, well, off we go, to commune with the forest and all. Mommy!

Jamie Erwin.

Erwin *sigh*

Erwin *sneeze* (quietly) Granny? Granny?

Jamie She'll never hear you if you talk like that.

Erwin If I shout, I might wake up some weird beasts. *branch snaps* Aaaaah! What was that?

Jamie A cracking sound.

Erwin Oh. Well, phew. Aaaaaah!

Granny He tried to ditch me!

Jamie Out of respect!

Granny He tried to ditch me, I'm telling you!

Jamie Okay, now don't be afraid. Everything's gonna go fine, you really don't leave me any choice.

Granny He tried to- aargh!

Erwin Huh? Granny? Where are you? Where is she, Jamie?

Jamie She's in a better world now.

Erwin What?

Jamie No, I'm joking. I sent her back to the house.

Pralene I'm telling you, Granny's disappeared! *grumbles* Hmm?

Granny Rrrrr! Hhhh?

Pralene Aaaaaaah!

Mr Walsh What is it now, Pralene? Ahhh! There you are, Granny. Did you have fun shopping?

Granny Uhhh... so I'm here... funny, I... can't remember...

Erwin Granny! You're back! Oh well, so much for camping!

Mr Walsh No no no no. What about the call of the wild? And communing with nature?

Erwin Uh... you mean that...

Mr Walsh Mmm-hmm. You didn't pack your gear for nothing! You coming with us Granny?

Erwin (hoplessly) Mmm...

Gratchett And who wants to taste Granny's home-made jam? Lieutenat Eye-Contact does!

Eye-Contact Don't be ridiculous, Sargeant. No-one wants a cow for a granny'.

Gratchett You just stop. Now taste this, and get your elbows off the table.

Eye-Contact Ohhh...

Gratchett *laughter*

Eye-Contact Oh, very funny, Sargeant. Really, very funny. I'm just dying of laughter here.